A story from Sonia Espiritu, a singer/songwriter who wrote track "ultra quiet" in response to artists from indie/alt/punk scenes who, over summer 2020, were exposed "...for predatory behavior, abuse, assault, rape, and pedophila towards fans, fellow musicians, and minors."
Here’s something I’m not very proud to say: I used to be a huge fan of SWMRS. And Destroy Boys. And The Frights. And many other bands from the indie/alt/punk scenes that were exposed over the summer of 2020 for predatory behavior, abuse, assault, rape, and pedophila towards fans, fellow musicians, and minors. And no matter what makeup-less tearful IG live or Apple notes apology I heard from it, I just couldn’t accept, because these just weren’t things you could forgive anyone for. At least not now. I found myself dumbfounded, having to rearrange playlists, mute videos, and throwing away merch.
Whatever sermons against these things these artists once used to preach religiously to the followers and fans had now felt like a lie-- many felt like they saw what they considered to be their idol-- their God-- fall off their pedestal and crumble into marble remains as evidence of a failed society. And with that, they left the great community we all believed this once was.
I found myself feeling like an absolute fool. How could I let a lineup of artists-- mostly white, mostly cisgendered men, mostly heterosexual, and mostly came from families with money and connections-- represent what I believed. They didn’t share the same background as me, they didn’t share the same experiences as me. I mean, they didn’t even fucking look like me. I didn’t see many brown girls onstage with hair on their arms, flat noses, and a tour and/or education they had to pay out of their own pocket. They were there, but there weren’t enough because they didn’t have enough to buy back the community these artists had stolen from them. The DIY community became a commoditized look for the rich to steal and pose as when they have never known the feeling of scraping together the last $10 of your bank account from your two minimum wage jobs to get groceries for your college-issued apartment. And yet these artists couldn’t even prove to be decent people to the lowest of standards. How many people had to expose them in order for them to finally be caught on the one crime of sexual assault when they’ve also committed identity theft, perjury, plagiarism, and home invasion? Really, why did I let any of these artists speak for me? Why did any of us?
After reading and hearing all the painful survivor testimonies and the half-assed and/or genuine apologies, I’ve had enough. In fact, some of these musicians never apologized and the rest (with the few exceptions like Kuromi and Small Crush) never came around to addressing the situation or reassuring the safety of their fans. It was the cherry on top to the years of betrayal the fans have experienced. In August of 2020, I forfeited my title as a fan and decided that the only person that was allowed to speak for me was myself. When my college permanently closed due to “misuse of funds” a week before the pandemic, I received a very small refund in comparison to what I paid (and am still paying) but it was enough for me to purchase a Macbook. In two days I wrote and recorded a song in my bedroom and produced it on Garageband. I used a picture I took when I was crowd surfing at Uncool Halloween in 2019-- the last concert I saw these artists play at as the single cover. I uploaded it onto Soundcloud and called it, "ultra quiet."
I named it "ultra quiet," calling out the one band that I really, really used to love listening to-- in fact, I really miss their music the most. That band used to go by Mt. Eddy, but now take on the moniker, Ultra Q. Ultra Q still has yet to address the situation to this day. Fans still praise them for not being “problematic” or not engaging in predatory behavior but for me, that’s just not enough-- and for you, it shouldn’t be enough either. I never had any intention of cancelling another musician-- only of calling them out. I don’t like how polarizing cancel culture can be, but I believe there’s a power in call-out culture and taking accountability and action to correct your mistakes and uplift others. We are moving towards a society where we are starting to care more and more about a celebrity’s actions and moral beliefs over their talent and I find that really exciting and important because a person’s character should always come before their looks or money or (in this case) music. It should’ve always been this way. However, there’s no room for learning and growth in cancel culture, and how do we as a progressive and postmodern society move forward when we exempt others from doing so?
I want to inspire others to speak for themselves and want more from the community. I decided to be the change I wanted to see and write songs about my experiences, and no one else’s and I hope others will feel compelled to do the same. I am not advocating for myself to be the one token brown girl artist-- I’m advocating for there to be more because I can’t be the only one, and I know I’m not. I’m advocating for more black, brown, female, LGBTQ+, those with disabilities-- more voices and narratives that are different than what we’ve seen and commonly overlooked. I still can’t bring myself to leave the indie/alt/punk/DIY community because I loved all that it originally stood for and the way it made me feel. A place where anyone was welcomed and accepted for who they are and a place where they’re free to be who they are-- a safe place, not a rich boy’s club. I want to rebuild it to what it should’ve been-- a community that supports and uplifts each other in all ways. And I hope one day we get there.
Follow Sonia Espiritu on Instagram.
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